Every realisation I meet is when I write clearly and simply.
A relationship is a two way thing. Mother-child, husband-wife, boss-employee, doctor-patient, designer-client, lawyer-accused, lover-loved, student-teacher, grandfather-child, etc.The beginning of any relation doesn’t begin with love necessarily but it proceeds with it. It continues with understanding, openness, expectations, priorities, trust, drama, fights, care, truth and a vast array of other technical emotions.
Expectations! Your boss expects a level of quality work from you, your teacher expects you to study, your mother expects you to help in home chores, your gardener expects you to handle your green kitchen with care, your gym instructor expects you to work harder, your lover expects you to reciprocate love, your friends expect you to reach for the movie on time, your best friend expects you to pick up the call at 3 a.m. and you expect yourself to be your name and your dreams.
We expect just as we demand to be respected.
Expectations like perceptions is another world of fantasy. Your imagination makes you see what you want to see. Your view could be of the sorrow filled reality, or the hope filled present.
Expecting in a relation is neither a sin nor too much of asking.
Every relation we carry in our lives is different from the others in ways and means. In the following excerpts taken from real life instances I walk you through your own life. I want you to read them slowly, being the character in each one of them here I use the technique of third person visualisation to help you analyse life situations we can otherwise not learn from. I would advise you to take a pen and a paper and write down your expectation with each excerpt. Let’s start.
EXCERPT 1 :
“She said I expect you to love me, care for me, look after me but you never do. And I cannot take that any more. Have I not given you the love you deserve ? Have I not respected you? Have I not given you all of me? Have I not been there for you in your roughest days and silliest nights? When should I expect the delivery of the same emotions for me?”
“But didn’t I give you all of my time and care, and today you ask me to let you go? My child why don’t you stay and continue with this job? Why would you want to go astray in the country that isn’t yours? Why? Answer me! Who is going to feed you there? Who is going to worry for you there? How can you assure me that it all going to be fine? Tell me!”
“He said, I love you Lina. You empower me! Your presence makes mine counted. Your smile, your happiness, your health provides me with unwonted joy! I know that you do not love me the way I do, and I want you to know that I do not expect from you the love I give to you. I’ll love you like the stars love the earth, like the ocean loves the sand, like the tides love the moon, and like the bees love the flower. I do not expect anything from you. And I want you to understand that this love is only mine to keep, you do not get a share of it. It’s mine to feed and spoil. I’ll love you till my last breathe and you my darling need not love me. I want to see you happy with your name and your man.”
“What did you do in there! It was horrible! I am fed up of you. I told you to not talk about the upcoming projects but you never take my words into consideration, I’ve had enough of you. Answer me! Don’t you walk away. I expect you to deliver quantity not quality. Customers can be easily fooled! We have been doing that since ages, what is wrong with you?”
“Child, where is the assignment I asked you to submit today.” “Child, answer me where is it?” “Child, I expect you to be committed towards your work”. “Child, I expect you to work hard like I work hard on my students. When are you going to take up these responsibilities? When are you going to turn in the assignment on the right date?”
“ It was a Sunday and he wanted to relax. He expected his wife and children to pamper him.He yelled at his wife who was working on the lunch to pass him the remoteHe screamed on his son to connect his laptop to batteryHe questioned the very existence of anybody’s life but his. He expected himself to be the priority of everyone.But he didn’t show any interest in his wife’s health issues, his son’s cricket passion, his dog’s fitness, and the house’s bills and needs.”
“His wife was dieing even after his continuous efforts to save her. He took her to every doctor, saint and fool possible. The medicines do not seem to work on her. The god doesn’t seem to help them. Her diagnosis proves science’s failure and the profession of healthcare a joke. Her self motivation and hopes have inorganically been snatched from her. The walls of the house are shattering, she was the pillar of the house, now what remains of her are dead-sick remains. The care-takers are shouted upon resulting them to leave every other day. The family has been fragmented, the son’s have taken the role of soldiers leaving behind their families to rot and die.The family drowns in the expectations they have from him and his parents.”
After doing the activity as prescribed above, I hope to find you in an emotionally vulnerable state. There is another activity I have for you and this one will help you dissolve the tensions you’ve been carrying on with till date(or before reading this post). Read along to find yourself in the hands of your own self, truly yours.
Often, it’s seen that expectations seem to annihilate our relations and here I advise you as I do myself to take a pen and a paper and sit with me as i guide you through this process.
1.Write down the person’s name.
2. Write down your relation with her/him.
This part is tricky, allow yourself to explore your connect with her/him. Do not be wishful in this step. If he was your past -write him as your ex. If she is your present-write her as your now. If it’s a one-sided affair, then write about your relationship with her/him in the present moment, not what you want it to be in the colours of tomorrow. Do not proceed further till you complete this step.
3. Write down what you expect from her/him.
Write down every emotion you expect from him, tangible or intangible. You deserve to be treated right, so go ahead and list down all the things you deem to be right.
4. On the other side, write how many of your expectations are fulfilled by her/him.
5. Reread the list and see for yourself, analyse your choices. Are your expectations out of question or is she/he not able to provide you with your respected emotions. We seem to carry our answers within our selves, just as we seem to carry our questions.
A person who doesn’t expect will never be able to fully accept.
Expectations are not hurtful, we are! Are you expecting heavens and rainbows from storms?Are you expecting mac n cheese from an ice-cream seller? Are you expecting him to come back when you know he’s not the one on any day in any manner? Are you expecting her to call when you broke up from her on a WhatsApp message?Are you expecting your child to be a Mozart when you do not support his music lessons? Do you expect love to come back to you when you do not worship its beauty and power? Do you expect me to come back to you when we both know our fights are different? Are you expecting green teas from a wine shop seller?Do you expect your body to fit in all sizes of dresses when you do not work it?Do you stay up late expecting his texts when you haven’t told him what you feel about him, where you want this relationship to head?
My friend, We are the source of our own misery! Because it is our irrational expectations that keep us away from being of the moment. We are the reason we cry, wear black, plan revenge and sit in dimly lighted rooms singing sad and hurtful songs. Within each of us is a monster- gigantic and hungry, our responsibility it to tame and feed her/him. Just like you cannot expect momos to taste like gulab-jamun, you cannot expect the wrong emotions from the wrong person.
Why would you want to self-decay in your own expectation v/s reality graph?
Wishful thinking, dreaming, aspiring is not wrong. Hoping your crush to like you someday is not wrong! Hoping to marry your best-friend is not wrong! Hoping to get a bonus in your job is not wrong! Hoping to attain a good body figure is not wrong!
But it is unacceptable to demand and to drown if you are wrong. It us unethical to hurt yourself and to get stuck in your life while expecting. Many a times in your relations, your love may not be reciprocated, but that should not injure you, stop you, or hinder your growth. Love selflessly, and if you feel that the person is taking over you without your permission, rescue yourself say a neat goodbye and continue growing. Let no-body teach you how to emotionalise. Let no-one touch your skin until you feel it’s right. Let no-one hurt you and make you feel unwanted. You were born to accomplish, to triumph, to become the empress/emperor of your kingdom. Say goodbye to people who buy you tickets to fancy rollercoaster rides and leave you at the top!
Expecting is an art, become the artist, let it be your muse.
Until next time, goodbye!