*no words from my lover – left me wondering if he ever loved me or was I his sin.*
at that point I checked my phone again and again, switching one app for the other. hoping to see if he ever remembered me, to see a notification from him or replacements. it got me more furious of each second that I sat there. wondering. if anyone saw me – they’d say I was drowning without any place to be in. switching this app from that one, every minute only narrowed the chances of my hopes ever being satiated. it felt like I was unwanted with every inch of me – my mind told me to stop it, but I saw myself asking for more time to wish – upon a text. it was stupid and I played a victim. that isn’t life but I got another chance to curse it. a frown on my face started getting replaced, my anxiety grew and nothing made sense.
I took a pause – threw my phone on the bed. commanding myself that the device dare not be touched again. I went downstairs and forever that I can remember I never touched my phone again. moments passed and I completely forgot – that I was waiting, crippling to death. I started breathing in again. my fingers didn’t flutter anymore. my toes didn’t curl up. my body didn’t sit in an uncomfortable position. the idea of getting a ping – didn’t excite me anymore.
later when I saw my phone – I still had no idea where my lovers were, or if anybody cared for me anymore. but it taught me one thing – something I would not want to forget anytime soon – never give anybody the power to rule over you. never force a conversation. never be needy for someone’s attention. never lose yourself in the want for someone else’s interest in you. and never wait for something to happen to you.
and later when they got back to me – none of their words had value like they did before. more importantly I found the freedom I had traded for them – to stay a little longer. their quick responses now – were of no importance. all my love – had been consumed as self worth. in life – all of us enter the point of return, from where only somethings matter, others depreciate in their existence.
never find your worth in someone else’s being in your life. that is a dangerous parameter to live life by. don’t. people who love you will find their way back to you.
be there for your loved ones, but before that be there for you. let no wait – kill you. let no text- decay your being. let the idea of having someone or something – not corrupt you. bloom. create. be.