I sit with my face fixed. my eyes fixated on things of less importance for the passing by crowd. one of my hands holds my purse tight. the other supports my face. my mind starts to wander off in the silence of the noise. the unthinkable, the unimaginable, the irrational. those are not fast thoughts. those are deep fears. and the mind starts to weave stories the body doesn’t want to hear but it is made to. the silence. the wind flows through my hair and i try to pull them back repeatedly – but they do not stay. my body as stiff as my facial expressions. my mind as calm as a criminal working on a secret code. none of their words could make sense right now. not even his. or hers. the silence.
no conversational opener could start me. no memory could romance me. no drink could allure me. no hands could love me. (but his does). the silence.
it stays long enough to go away. it stays long enough to not be felt when its gone. it stays but i do not beg. i stay. i let it play with me – while it stays. and it isn’t as deep as it may sound right here, but it will come and it will stay, and it will play until it goes and comes back again.
I’m not afraid of it but it surfaces the unevenness in me. they think that is the way i am – but maybe i’m being gripped by anonymity. the silence.
she said- i never stayed.
i replied – everything started to eat me up alive, it irritated me.