disjoint thoughts on death.

death, how lovely and sweet.

the very first dialogue.

i know what you were going through, and i don’t really know much – but i know you are right here with me.

i do not feel that you are dead. i do not even know how that feels like, i just miss you. I can not see you, but i know you are here.

i didn’t cry today – but sometimes i become so sad that i start yelling.

i hope halsey’s concert is good, do send me pictures soon. i know you are busy but maybe drop me a text soon.

i never got to say this pretty clearly, but i do love you alot. and maybe i will never get over that.

i will be keeping our room clean until you decide to come back and take charge of it

life seems to be at a pause state. only the sun and moon replace their postions

everything else stays the same. i didn’t cry today. i didnt even miss you (i did) but its okay. i really love you.

.

the. first. hit.

it isn’t easy seeing someone who you love die while you still have to breathe in broken pieces and shattered harmonies.

death as peaceful as it sounds.

is a false hope.

a digusting disguise.

a truth we can’t run from.

the most flawless disaster.

the most natural tearing memory.

the most numbing pain.

the most alcoholic drink.

death is selfish. (not selfless as people claim).

it is devastating for people who still have to live with the absence of you and your activities. (do you hear me love, i am still searching for you.)

we can never estimate our values in other people’s lives. we can only dent and empty them with our absence. (running away? sounds to me the same now. even isolation.)

Maybe next time – ask your loved ones to not die.

easy/ just dont die/stay.

.

.

recurrent hits.

do you think anything in this world will ever be able to fill the emptiness you filled in me? anything at all?

or do you only want to make me die every single time i think of you/us/you/only you.

i dont know, i think i miss your being and it is sad and ridiculous because babe you never will.

i will always call you babe/ sweetheart/ honey.

but i am hurt in every place.

.
.

missing. misses. miss. missed.

don’t you miss me? i mean? dont you miss home? but babe, tell me why did you die? why?

(discusses all the theories in head). i mean what if i died intead of you – how would you have coped up with that pain?well  if you were here- you would still hate me and love me the most. more importantly assure me that you are happy wherever you are? i do not know why but i feel like i can not remember you anymore it is like i am so used to the idea of living life without you it hurts me that i can not even mourn for my loss.i hope you know – that you meant to me more than anyone, anyone, name anyone i ever loved. i loved you the most. i mean, i love you. i will be fine. i am fine. but i guess – i really cannot say, anythin at all. maybe you never loved me enough. i mean – you legit died? something else could have happened, but you died? you died.i dont know anymore. but i thought we had future plans and that you were really looking forward to  hear halsey ka new music and having a better life.
but you know what. i really hate you for leaving me. but. anyways. i love you. you wait. you cant leave me. you were indeed the vanilla essence to the world/my world. alot of people came to your funeral. i know nobody will come for mine. you were really famous. whatever. i thought you were mine but maybe you never were. i love you. but i cannot remember you.

.

.

theory – no one belongs to us 

no body is ours to keep.

my mother is not mine, she is a body I am familiar to.

you are not really mine, you are another skin i am attracted to.

she was never mine, she was just another friend i had memories with.

therefore when we lose a person, we do not really lose anything at all. it is an organic process. we are all strangers in bodies. and medical science can not understand the theory behind this shit. we are all souls in skins made to play characters of family and sinners. in short. i did not lose because in the first place she was never mine.

.

.

where do they go?

you were right when you said that, ‘we never treasure people when they are alive / with us’, i do not know what i will do with the rest of my life.

int the present now evey thing feels empty and okay at the same time

these thoughts that occur to me in the morniny, evening and before sleeping are thunderously loud and deafening.

i mean, i am okay.

but.

now i know that no thing will ever be permanent.

i will only be counting the deaths of people and losing trak of time.

 but out of all forevers, death is the realest forever.

.

.

trying to watch other people.

i was studying in my room. when i took my little youtube break and i started watching this video and in there is a girl who talked about her grandma.

and it reminded me of you/ us/ maybe only you.

i really do not know how to say this – but i am starting to feel that i miss you.

and maybe if i didnt have any other people, i would have had more of us/you/or whatever.

i am sorry that i was not the best when you were alive, i guess i have not changed a bit, but honey i ca not live without you. do you hear me? why did i get other people  if i had you, i only had 24 hours in a day to spend, and i could not manage to give you quality time every day. you could have told me that you were going to die, i would have given you each and every of my breathe. i hate you for leaving me this soon, this new year, what about all the things we used to do.

who will i cook food for? gossip about the school people with? stalk instagram with? watch netflix with? are you even listening to me.i am not okay. i wish you had called me in the last 2 days/ in the ICU. just once.

i think i am forgetting you and i am not okay. but maybe you deserved a life way better than i could give you.

and i hope halsey’s concert is going great. and that you are doing everything you wanted to do. like waiting tables, wearing short skirts/crop tops/ cute dresses/ hoodies(i never let you buy) / expensive shimmery clothes from chanel and H&M.

i mean, i wish. but all my wishes died with you.

.

.

Effects

someone out in this world is taking their last breathe right now while I’m fighting with my mom over trivial issues. right now someone is wishing they had a nice little chat with their someone while I’m asking my boyfriend to get lost because I have a terrible mood.

And just like other days when my sister only wanted more of my time, I tossed her around. But I never once thought about this day.

And today, my mood swings don’t allow me to be okay, or nice.

But I know I’m going to regret all of this one day, some day, soon.

He said Nishita, why can’t you be positive.

And I told him, God would never want to see me happy, I’m kinda nervous to be happy again.

And every single night before I sleep, I tell him that it’s not him/us but me who’s not okay.

And I hope he doesn’t get me wrong.

But I don’t think the girlfriend he had will ever return, I think he’s dating a different girl now, a newer sadder version of her.

But maybe. Just maybe. We will get through all of this. If ever. Then I’ll be grateful.

.

.

How am I doing?

what is wrong with me? i feel like dropping everything and revisiting every memory i had with her. becoming the person she always wanted me to become. on my way back in the cab i started thinking about how she always complaint that i never talked to her – just talked to her for long long hours, about stuff. she wanted me to be hers more.

what else? today in the gym i kept zoning out. i kept replaying the moment when i was brought back home, and my family walked to me, and told me all of it. it gives me chills in my legs as i write this.

but, i am okay. honestly i wish i would have given here my time and life, my energy, my magic, and my everything.

you know robin sharma was absolutely correct – if we know the fact that we are mortal beings (and are reminded of that repeatedly) then we can achieve things in life.

so i am writing this as i sit in my room. and my room is deviod of alot of things. but mostly, it is clean, and she liked messy.

.

.

how is she?

how is she doing? how is she doing things without me and the family? is she calling for me? was she there in the library the other day? does she need me to be with her? does she know the afterdeath life? is she lost in a tunnel to afterlife? is she born again in another family as a baby? do they keep her happier than we did? is she doing any better? does she remember us/me/anyone at all?

.

.

Theory

these words have already been written

these discoveries have already been made

we are re-doing what our ancestors did once,

and assume ourselves to be ahead of time,

but only things that have been done before are being done now.

afresh.

.

.

“Or whatever. You know Ri, January was harsh and heartbreaking. But maybe February will be healing and nourishing. And later March can be as lovely as it wants to be.”